Not Mad at Manny

Though I will make the disclaimer that I know nothing about baseball, I secretly believe that my JV softball captainship gives me the authority to say anything I want about the sport with confidence. Lucky for you, this post doesn't really have anything to do with baseball.

On the morning rush hour train last week I saw a fight between a fired-up fat woman in her forties and an embarrassingly handsome teenager. I find all raised voices on the subway alarming since I heard Tim Kudo's story about hell breaking loose when a fellow commuter started smoking crack in the train car, but this clash soon revealed itself as a mild debate about Manny's recent 50-game suspension.




The older woman doesn't trust Manny: "Why would he take so long to defend himself, otherwise? And what excuse could he possibly have for taking a medication designed for WOMEN?" While her debating partner countered, "Yo, you don't KNOW that Ms.P. He waited cause he was embarrassed to admit it. He's had it rough and now we're up in his business!”

Instinctually I thought it was ridiculous that these people were arguing so passionately about the intentions of someone (I assume) they've never met. And not to get all emotionally detached, but does it really matter if he's lying or not? Sure we want him to be a good role model, but we don't know him. We don't know what he's thinking or what actually motivates his decisions in life.

Then 7 stops into the train debate it occurred to me that maybe we talk about celebrities like we know them because we really do know them. Not the version of them that their friends or families know, but a public version that we spackle with assumptions. What makes them any less real than any other acquaintance that we barely know but still gossip about with our friends?

Celebrities are the common reference points that we have as a culture. If we're not talking about how stupid Manny is for taking steroids, we're talking about how awesome he is for his .348 batting average and limitless quirks. Or we're talking about how Lohan looks better fat. Or skinny. Or gay.



In a big picture way, it really doesn't matter what these people do as long as they’re doing something memorable or noteworthy that adds to our collective consciousness. They turn us from a random mass of strangers to a unified people with a common language and shared experiences. Like Paul Simon's Graceland, or LOST (LOST!!), Manny's poor decisions spin the golden thread that ties us all together. Without him our subways would be silent. So, I dont really care if he's guilty or not. Maybe Manny's strongest contribution to our “national pastime” is just giving us something to talk to each other about.

Ichiro o(^-^)m(-^ )e(^ )d( )e( ^)t( ^-)o(^-^)~♪

Ichiro hasn't been getting enough love on this blog. Last night, he hit TWO home runs to defeat the heavily favored Red Sox 5-4.

Here's the recap from ESPN.com:

"Who knows? It kind of proves that in the universe, mysterious things happen," he said through an interpreter.

Suzuki, an incomparable leadoff hitter and owner of the modern major-league record with eight consecutive 200-hit seasons, had a two-homer game while Ortiz, a five-time All-Star, hasn't hit even one homer in 158 plate appearances all season.

"It shows that, really, two mysterious things happened in the universe today," Suzuki said, looking up with a wry grin while fanning himself at his locker.

He is so COSMIC and MYSTICAL. Congratulations, Ichiro! I love it. What I don't love is Papi slumping so badly. The photos documenting his persistent un-homerunness just get sadder and sadder.

Anyway, in other news, here is what I wish were a photo of showboat B.J. Upton's head exploding after hitting a walk-off homer in last night's game against the Indians. Instead, it's merely a photo of him getting a plate full of shaving cream to the face (kudos to Kei for clueing me into this event, as well as Yahoo! MLB photos, in general).

It really looks like his face is melting! The following photo contains a different distortion of the truth...Obama is NOT a Phillies fan. Sam, back me up on this one.


Is Jimmy Rollins really that much shorter than our Commander-in-Chief? Who knew.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE

Where, Alex, the future? October baseball? Yes, yes, don't we all.

Casey Blake Hits Homers, Hates God

For the last few days, Casey Blake has been lighting up the internet on other people's blogs for his televised mockery of Giants' closer Brian Wilson. After hitting a home run off Wilson in the 12th inning, Blake was caught on tape aping Wilson's signature move in the Dodgers dugout. Wilson received images of Blake on his cellphone after shutting down the Dodgers in the 13th and became extremely upset. Apparently, the gesture is meant to honor God and Wilson's dead father. It also honors a mixed martial arts clothing line, although that's supposedly somehow related to God and death and all that.


First of all, it's crazy to me that Wilson received multiple photos of a televised image of Blake on his cell phone. Just further proof, I guess, that technology doesn't strengthen human interconnectivity...it just makes us all feel paranoid, threatened and alone. Admittedly, Casey looks like a total leering goon in the above image, but we all have our moments of weakness. Here's his official statement:

I'm not here to disrespect anybody on a personal level. Had I or anybody known that it was a religious deal or honored his father, I mean obviously you're not going to mock that or disrespect that in any regard. All the other teams see after a victory or after a save, he does it. Not knowing what it's about, you just see that. I didn't know what it was about. I did it back. I didn't really do it back to him. I did it in the dugout. Should I have done it? Probably not. It was kind of uncharacteristic of me.

I was excited. I was supposed to have the day off. I came in and had a big homer. I was excited. I got out of my box a little bit. Apparently they got real upset over it. Whatever.

Is there any better word on which to end any statement than "whatever?" Casey Blake just can't be bothered to give a shit.

Here he is getting a high five from Matt Kemp after his home run in tonight's game against the Phillies. It was his 7th of the year, putting him at the top of the Dodgers' home run leader board.

Yes, Casey Blake has now hit more home runs than Manny Ramirez. Mind boggling, I know.

Still, I feel less onboard the Blake bandwagon than I did last week. I really wanted to believe that Casey was some sort of down home, wholesome-hearted, bearded saint and that no jerkishness could possibly come from Iowa.

But, of course it can. Whatever.

Ejected!

The White Sox played the Indians early today, around 11:00AM CST. That means batting practice and warming up takes place well before 11:00AM, which sounds really early for a baseball game. Perhaps the White Sox players are a little jetlagged, even if only by one hour and despite having been in Cleveland for at least a day already. That might explain why some people got crabby and then...ejected!

"WHAT GAME ARE YOU WATCHIN'?"

JERMAINE DYE EMOTES!

Even when JD is putting his life into catching a ball out in the right field, he always looks so nonchalant, emotion-less, and subsequently makes everything seem so effortless. He got ejected today for arguing a called strike. I'm not sure if he was already ejected at the time this photo was taken, or if the ejection occurred after this photo was taken, because I read he flipped his helmet and bat "in disgust" and the helmet hit the umpire or something. The only other time I've seen him emote, at least as of late, was when he got hit by a pitch last week by some piece of shit Texas Ranger pitcher.

JD looks like he's in some horrible pain. This is exactly why Bobby Jenks threw a butt-pitch at Ian Kinsler in the same series but in a later game. Jenks then admitted to the "message" pitch after the game, and then got fined for a pathetic $750. Why bother? Does Ian Kinsler need a counseling session? A lot of people say Bobby should have kept his mouth closed even if everyone knew it was a purpose pitch, but I don't see any reason to censor him. There are numbers to prove his point. White Sox pitchers don't hit people, but CQ gets hit pretty much every game, and there is no justification for hitting Paulie or JD. Paulie has a growing bald spot, and JD is a gentleman, even with the mysterious scar. Jenks should pay the MLB in pennies.

UPDATE - More adorable photo found

While glancing at the sports section on Sunday, I saw this picture and immediately thought to myself, 'this may be a more adorable photo than that Pujols one.'

Well, I found the color version online and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the challenge has been met. This is now the most adorable baseball photo ever taken.


Any thoughts Jenni?

For the Ladies

On Sunday, baseball celebrated Mother's Day by "Going to Bat Against Breast Cancer." This involved wearing pink arm bands and using pink bats. Cute!

Manny Ramirez replacement, Juan Pierre of the LA Dodgers

Hanley Ramirez of the Marlins

Alex Rios of the Blue Jays

Home Run Savior Johnny Damon with Mark Teixera
and Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees

As usual, Yankees radio commentator Suzyn Waldman earned her place in the booth* by announcing which of the Yankees' mothers were in attendance during their 5-3 win over the Orioles. Nick Swisher's mom was there. Joba Chamberlain's was not.

*Is this sentence sarcastic? I don't know. Many Yankees fans dislike Suzyn Waldman, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm one of them.

You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

Happy Friday! Let's talk about drugs. As you may know, A-Rod is scheduled to make his season debut with the injury-ridden, unhappy Yankees today. Here are two photos of him doing what he does best...looking clueless.

What is this object?

What's my name? Who am I?

Keep up the good work, Alex. Let's hope that he also manages to excel at what he does second best...hitting monster home runs. Some of ESPN's baseball commentators are already saying that the Yankees are done for the season, which, having listened to or watched most of their games, I can't really contest. Seeing as that my Yankees-fandom started in 2006, I've never known them to do anything but lose. So, yeah, it's just going to be another one of those years.

I did have extremely high hopes for the LA Dodgers, who I began to love last year because of 1) Joe Torre, 2) Casey Blake and 3) Manny Ramirez. Now that Manny's out of the picture until early July, it's going to be a bit tougher for the Dodgers to crush their NL West competitors. A bit. They'll be fine. Moreover, this will be an excellent opportunity for Matt Kemp to launch his career as a sports celebrity. You can tell by the way he plays that he is DYING for more TV time.

Now, some of you may be worried about how Casey Blake will weather the loss of Manny. After all, most of Blake's runs this season can be attributed to Ramirez. I'm happy to report that he's doing just fine on his own, so far. Last night, despite being the game's final out, he went 2/4 and had two runs. He's batting an amazing .385 this week, which is the best average in my Fantasy lineup, and his beard looks great! Finally, he's physically dominating the competition. Look at him almost beating the brains out of Natinal's catcher Jesus Flores as he slides into home.

Of course, Casey Blake would never stoop to such mindlessly violent behaviour. He is a classy athlete and besides, Iowans don't mess with Jesus.

Speaking of drugs, here's a video of the Beatles wearing shiny uniforms and singing Hello, Goodbye.

Cuban Missile Report

I went to my first baseball game of the season tonight, Tigers vs. White Sox. Pre-season, I was looking forward to observing Alexei and reporting back here on his appearance and performance. But Alexei has had a rough start, and Ozzie had enough yesterday, explaining that Jayson Nix would start in place of Alexei. So I thought I would be unable to report here, but luckily, I am one of those weirdos who like to watch the national anthem at sporting events. Today was Greek Heritage day at U.S. Cellular Field, so there was a middle aged Greek man who sang "The Star Spangled Banner" pretty well. I started taking pictures of the most visible Sox and Tigers players who held their hats to their chest and faced the flags. When I noticed Carlos Quentin by the dugout, I saw a thin young man without a number on his back.

CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS SIGHTING! Especially next to Carlos, Alexei looks so small, like a bat boy.

THEN HE TURNED AND SHOWED HIS FACE! It's a little blurry, sorry. I'm pretty sure I started freaking out, trying to get a decent picture of his face, but I was in the upper deck and my zoom was at it's max. I think everyone's right--he looks like a lizardly creature, a chipmunk, an alien. There is something definitely endearing about Alexei overall though--his narrowness, his strange face, his speed, the internal struggles that must be taking place while he fails at bat and gets benched by many fantasy owners (me) and Ozzie.

One more photo:

I like that the cover of the White Sox program is of Alexei's "almost Christ-like" picture, as Jenni put it. I'm not sure why it says "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" on the cover (I need to actually look through the program), but I really hope it's not some sort of mantra for the '09 season for the White Sox or for Alexei. Will he play tomorrow? I'm going to tomorrow's game as well, for the "Facebook Friday" promotion (I recommend being a fan or friend of your favorite local baseball team). I'll be at field level, so maybe I'll get a better close-up of his face during at least the national anthem!

THE WORST

Oh, Manny.

Last night, I dreamt that Robbie Cano had been killed in a car crash-gunfight combination. The Yankees tried to cover up the news by reporting that he had been killed in a plane accident, which, okay, is the kind of thing that only makes sense in dreams. How did my brain know that today would be such a baseball downer?

Absolutely bummed out to the max...but, well, I guess at least NO ONE DIED.

Papi's Puppy Eyes

Eventually, someone will use these as poster images for a fund-raising campaign to save beloved but fading power hitters. I think that Papi misses Manny. I wonder if they talk on their cell phones.

A Comedic Interlude

Sometimes, you can find things on the internet that just blow your mind.

Seriously, that's Derek Jeter on Saturday Night Live with JIMMY FALLON (star of the VERY underrated baseball movie, Fever Pitch). You can watch a really crappy someone-recording-their-television YouTube video of "Derek Jeter's Taco Hole," here, if you'd like. Warning: it didn't make me laugh. It just made me REALLY CONFUSED.

Anyway, here's Jimmy Fallon being a baseball fan in real life. Not sure what's going on in this photo, either.


Man, I love Jimmy Fallon but why'd Hollywood have to make him a RED SOX FAN? DUDE IS FROM NEW YORK. Not cool. I am never looking at the internet after 1am ever again. It just makes me too upset.

THE MOST ADORABLE BASEBALL PHOTO EVER TAKEN

I'm snaking this photo from Joe's post on the brand new Marauders of Time, Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball blog (created by Kei to spare readers of TBOB from our endless and mostly irrelevant fantasy baseball rants and raves) because it is THE MOST ADORABLE BASEBALL PHOTO EVER TAKEN. I dare you to prove me wrong.

I seem to remember Sam having some sort of problem with Albert Pujols, but come on...baseball talent aside, the man is...cute.

Fourth Base and Bust

Widely recognized as the most attractive player in his franchise, Jacoby Ellsbury earned a different (though no less valuable) kind of acclaim last night, when he stole home plate beneath the weary eyes of aging pitcher Andy Pettite and cranky catcher Jorge Posada. The Red Sox went on to win the game 4-1 and sweep the series.



According to Wikipedia, Ellsbury was born in Oregon in 1983 and is "the first Native American of Navajo descent to reach the Major Leagues." This year, he was one of the 10 former and current MLBers caught up in the Stanford ponzi scheme (future real-estate agent and eternal caveman Johnny Damon was another). Here's an interesting Sports Illustrated article on why pro-athletes go bust. Included therewithin is this gem about Angels dreamboat Torii Hunter:

About five years ago, Hunter says, he invested almost $70,000 in an invention: an inflatable raft that would sit under furniture. The pitch was that when high-rainfall areas were flooded, consumers could pump up the device, allowing a sofa to float and remain dry. "The guy I invested with came back and wanted me to put in more, about $500,000," Hunter says. "Then I met [Butowsky], who just said, Hell no! I wound up never seeing that guy—or any of my money—again."

Inflatable furniture rafts. I'm going to give Torii the benefit of the doubt and assume that the prototype drawings (if any exist) aren't as ridiculous as I'm imagining them to be.

Hunter endorsing other kinds of responsible behavior

Hunter has been having a hot streak at the plate, recently, so it just goes to show that losers win, winners lose, home-stealers get robbed and life is weird. The Yankees are rolling on into Detroit today to face the second least attractive team in the American League. Better luck this time, boys.

Grampy Getting it Done, Robbie Having a Moment

Because Kei has gotten me hooked on the Yahoo! Sports baseball photo gallery and because this weekend is the first Yankees-Red Sox series of the year, here's another post commemorating another stomach-wrenching victory of the ugly over the not ugly. It's always hard when your team scores 11 runs and you still don't win, but alas, that's how it went last night in 4.5 hours of pitcher-bashing baseball.

Mike Lowell, who plays for my Fantasy opponent's team and must be, like, a billion years old, hit a three-run homer in the seventh, putting the Red Sox ahead 12-10. This wasn't even the most upsetting comeback of the night, as A.J. Burnett (looking hideous below) had a complete mental meltdown some time in the fourth and gave up a 6-0 lead.


The hero of the night was batting champ Robbie Cano, who went 3 for 6, with 2 home runs and 5 RBIs. Look at him barely reacting while he watches his ball sail out of Fenway...he's just THAT AWESOME. And, okay, those gum-chewing pictures aren't from yesterday, but let's all just pretend that after slamming his second HR, he went into the dugout and blew some bubbles to unwind.




In non-Yankees news, both Grady and Manny really whiffed it last night, going 0 for 9, collectively. Racy Casey, on the other hand, managed to save my Fantasy average by batting .500 via one hit and two walks. Hey Blake, any way you can....


Will the Yankees get swept by the Red Sox tonight? Will Grady re-emerge from his one-day hole of suckiness? Stay tuned...photos to follow, tomorrow, I'm sure.

Good, Bad and Ugly x 4 (But Not in that Order)

Last night's Yankees-Red Sox game was totally bizarre and ultimately disappointing. Boo! It did, however, provide ample photographic evidence that the Red Sox are THE UGLIEST TEAM IN BASEBALL:

Jason Bay is a weirdo.

Jonathan Papelbon is a stupid jerk.

Kevin Youkilis is an awesome baseball player
that looks really, really scary.

Dustin Pedroia...I can't even get into it.

On the other hand, the New York Times reports that even the Red Sox love Derek Jeter!

Here Comes Man Mountain!

It's a bit strange that Kei blogged about aliens yesterday, because I woke up this morning thinking about how much Jonathan Broxton of the L.A. Dodgers looks like Big Foot WITHOUT HAVING READ HER POST. It's just a supernatural time of year, I suppose.


Anyway, I've been watching a lot of MLB.TV this week. Due to their black out rules and regional restrictions, I'm not allowed to watch the Yankees (or the Mets, but whatever), so I mostly watch the Dodgers and the Indians. I like seeing zombie manager Joe Torre lurch across the field to contest a close call and I like seeing Manny Ramirez try to jog the bases in those floppy pajama pants of his. And of course, I like being pleasantly surprised when Casey Blake gets a hit or Grady Sizemore hits a home run. I've also come to enjoy the beyond stupid commentary of the MLB.TV announcers. Last night, during a very close and not at all boring Dodgers-Astros game, the announcers spent an inordinate amount of time making fun of fans in the stands. And so, for a few minutes each, I got to watch a man in a pink tie talking on his cell phone behind home plate, two kids fighting over a hot dog, and an overweight woman wave her arms around in some sort of trance-like Astros rally dance. I felt closer to my fellow Americans than ever before.

Sadly for dance lady, the Dodgers shut the Astros down 2-0 by bringing in monster closer Jonathan Broxton in the 8th inning. As he prepared to take the mound, one of the TV announcers said, "HERE COMES MAN MOUNTAIN." At first I thought, "Well, that's rude." Then, I thought, "Oh my God, it's true." And then I thought, "I hope that, at some point in my life, I have an occasion to yell HERE COMES MAN MOUNTAIN at someone and not get brutally beaten down as a result." A girl can dream.

But back to Broxton...he's 26 years old, 6'4" and 290 lbs. (supposedly). He routinely throws a 99 mph fastball and in 2007, struck out 99 people in 83 games. Crazy! I've been thinking a lot about how he probably goes home and unzips his human skin costume to reveal his true sasquatch self:

Right?!

Finally, I'd like to thank Kei for publicly acknowledging what I've known for months: Alexei Ramirez LOOKS WEIRD. I did not know, however, that Nick Swisher was an alien, so thanks, Kei and Lil Wayne, for that bit of news, as well.

Alien Baseball

I like to sift through Yahoo baseball photos everyday and save the ones I like. Today they put up a low-quality picture of Swisher at the NYSE this morning, which I refused to post on this blog. I googled more photos of this event, and ended up with this kind of boring video from the official NYSE website. (Who are those little girls towards the end of the video? Swisher fans? Stock brokers or whatever they're called?) Nick Swisher is going to save our economy!

Today I also came across Lil Wayne's blog on ESPN. He claims to have an ESPN tattoo; that's how serious he is about writing. After writing about the NBA playoffs, he says of Swisher:

Shout out to Nick Swisher for being amazing. That dude came in and pitched lights out against the Rays, and now whenever the Yankees pitchers are getting roughed up the crowd chants "We want Swisher," which is amazing. I understand Nick Swisher, because he is an alien from another planet like me. That dude is not really a human being. For a position player to come into a major league ballgame and do that? Come on. Alien.

Aliens! I believe Alexei is also an alien, but of the planet where they bat horribly and have slow seasonal starts.

After seeing him on TV a few times, I still can't believe how tiny and narrow he is. I still can't believe he's batting .149, either. Cuban Missile Crisis! He's benched on my fantasy team this week, but I cheer him on in my heart.

First Pitch

In recent memory I can't think of a time that I made it to a baseball game in time to see the ceremonial first pitch. But every time I do I'm convinced that it's going to be someone awesome and it never is. It's always some sweepstakes winner or corporate VP for marketing of x or y sponsor. Maybe someday I'll strike gold

Barack Obama abandoned his promise to throw out the first pitch at the White Sox home opener. Instead they had to settle for a lousy meet and greet.

Look at AJ Pierzynski in the back - still looking creepy with that bleached hair, even in a suit jacket. But I suppose in fairness I should point out that Obama has done the honors in the past


At least this would never happen to the White Sox first fan



Of course there have been some other notables to throw this season, I'm thinking specifically of Jeff Tweedy from Wilco and this dude with a boa constrictor. There is no connection, I don't think

No real point to this one. Sorry.



Right at the beginning you get a nice close-up of Cubs standout Jeff Samardzija in action walking off the field.

Birthday Love

Happy 26th birthday to Miguel Cabrera! The Tigers won today, 2-0 against the Mariners.

According to Yahoo, Miggy hustled home on a throwing error by Ichiro. Look at him work that fat magic! I love him.