In Which Our Errant Men Hobble Homewards

Spending last week on life's DL has brought me slightly closer to recently wounded Indian and eternal dreamboat Grady Sizemore. The frustration of not being able to perform one's favorite activities is something we now share. Thankfully, both of us rallied back to action last night: Grady, by going 2/5 with a 2RBI triple, and me, by limping all the way to Greenpoint without falling over in exhausted exasperation. While no members of the media were present to capture the miracle of Jenni walking, some mean-spirited ass masquerading as a professional photographer snapped this image of Grady before his game-changing triple.

Apparently, Grady and I also share a love of pouting under pressure.

I swear to God that Getty Images hates Grady Sizemore. They never posted photos of him before his injury and, upon his fairly triumphant return, this is what they give us? Please. Somebody get me their address because I'm ready to file a formal complaint.

In other news, Manny Ramirez played his first minor league game last night, going 0/2 in four innings with the Albuquerque Isotopes. According to Peter Pascarelli of ESPN's Baseball Today podcast, Manny is "jacked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator." When I shared this news with Paul, who co-manages both Grady and Manny on our Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball Team, he said, "What, so he's on MORE drugs?" Haha. Not that I'd be surprised....

Anyway, here's Manny stretching and failing to hit a minor league pitch. He looks pretty good, no?

"I'm baaaaaaack!"

And finally, while we're on the topic of men trying finding their ways home, here's a photo of Derek Jeter bending beneath the burden of the Yankees' awful hitting drought.

"...Lead us not into Red Sox nation and deliver us from A-Rod..."

Derek! I believe in you! Lest you've forgotten, let me end by directly quoting the last paragraph of your autobiography:

Believe me, I'm thankful every day that my dreams have unfolded. I think about what I have to do to improve, about how long my career might last, about where I've been, and about where I should be going. I keep myself motivated that way. Now, grab a hold of your life and take it seriously. Face the challenges and work hard to do everything you want to do. That's what I did and what I'm still doing. You can't treat your life like a soiled T-shirt, not for one day.

Amen. So, readers, remember, even if you're physically broken like Grady, spiritually corrupt like Manny, or floundering miserably in a sea of woes like the Yankees, never treat your life like a soiled T-shirt. Not even for one day.

Stoked on College.

Who cares about Major Leagues, really?

Stoked for the final game of the College World Series tonight featuring my home state's LSU against Texas.

Last night as I watched the game on a big screen--while house sitting an almost mansion, giving myself a manicure and pedicure, & consuming wine and steak--I enjoyed how much the (crappy) commentators took part in the universal love of Jared Mitchell, who I've already said is lady killingly good.

Orel Hershiser made a comment about how his big butt made him a better player.

(Photo is LSU's handsome DJ LeMahieu.)

Welcome Back, Grady?

"Tonight's the night. / To-night's the niiiiiiight." Or, at least it could be. Breath bated, fingers crossed.

BREAKING NEWS-- Real Baseball Expert Uses "Casey Blake" and "All-Star" in Same Headline

I apologize for the tiny and aesthetically unappealing Yahoo! screen grab, but OMG...some real baseball person thinks that Casey Blake deserves more representation in the All-Star vote.


Cast your 25 votes for Racy Casey, or, you know, whoever, here.

Photos of the Day

Over on our fantasy blog, Kei does an commendable job of selecting, posting and captioning her favorite Yahoo! MLB Photos of the day. Since Kei and Mordecai are traveling around the East Coast this week, I thought I'd keep the tradition alive by sharing some gems from yesterday's action.

The mighty Yankees trailed the worst team in baseball 3-2 for most of the evening, before rallying around Robbie Cano's RBI double in the 7th. Cano went 4-4 for the night and made a number of excellent defensive plays. That's my boy! Derek Jeter, on the other hand, went 0-3 and left the game early with "ankle soreness." Yikes.

Whaddaya know, Robbie Cano!

After Mariano Rivera shut it down for the Yankees in the 9th, I switched to the Dodger game, where house/horse-divider Clayon Kershaw was on the mound. The amazing Vin Scully lulled me to sleep some time in the 5th inning, so I'm not sure what's really happening in any of the photos below. I will, however, create some plausible explanations for your amusement.

Ichiro gives an umpire some sass after striking out against the Padres.
The Mariners won this game 5-0. No big surprise there.

A day after hitting a monster grand slam, Prince Fielder w-w-w-works it
around the base path at Progressive Field. No gulls or midges were sighted.

There is something weird going on with Jason Giambi's facial hair again.

Clayton Kershaw was unpredictable and inefficient on the mound,
but still shut the A's out for five innings. Aw, he's precious.

Matt Kemp can jump so high! The Dodgers celebrate a comeback
victory in the 10th. King Casey (left) did his part by going 2/5
with 2 runs and 2 RBIs.

There you have it...last night in baseball! It's rumored that Grady Sizemore could be back in action in 7-10 days...you can expect a big celebration, here, if that happens.

Your Clay Zavada Moment of the Week

I think that this needs to happen every week. ZAVADA! (Shown here losing to the Astros last night.)

The Past is Always With Us

As much as my heart beats truly and eternally for Derek Jeter & Co., I tend feel pretty pessimistic whenever they play the Red Sox. Going into last night's game, the Yanks were 0-5 against the Boston uglies in 2009. Before the game, a flurry of Yankees PR-type stories flooded my Twitter feed, promising that tonight would be different. But alas, the past is always with us and nothing ever changes.

Derek Jeter watches as Nick Green's homerun ball sky-rockets overhead...
who the f' is Nick Green? Yeah, that's kind of the point.

Mark Teixeira sings a sad, sad song into his silent bat

Unaware that a baseball game is being played,
dimwitted A-Rod attempts to eat his face

A.J. Burnett gave up three earned runs on five walks and five hits in less than three innings. He also kicked the dugout water cooler on his way out of the game. He was mad. I was, too. Josh Beckett, on the other hand, allowed only one hit in six innings. The Red Sox won 7-0 after the surprisingly attractive Nick Green hit what was probably the first and last home run of his professional career in the 7th inning. ESPN noted that Boston hadn't beaten New York six straight times "since the year the Titanic sank." Good Lord.

Tonight, the Yanks will rise again to die another death at Fenway. I refuse to watch or listen. What, really, is the point? "Can't [escape] the past? Why, of course you can!" That's what Gatsby should have said when he broke that clock at Nick Carraway's house. The statement is equally tragic and more correct. As we know, it all concludes with unreachable green lights on distant docks, black hills rolling silently across the Republic, the end of wonder, and boats borne back ceaselessly into the voracious, all-consuming, insatiable past.

Dodgers vs. Cubs, 5/28/09

Long time no see, TBOB! I can't bring myself to post images of Wrigley Field on my own blog, and the content is more appropriate to TBOB anyway so here are some pictures I took at a recent Dodgers vs. Cubs game I attended.

I'm not sure if they always put up opposing teams' flags and their respective state flags, but that's kind of nice. Los Angeles' flag is so festive. Across the street from this corner, I bought a bag of pistachios. PISTACHIOS. I love pistachios, but I had never seen them at a baseball game.

Hot dawgs! Here's the first hot dog sighting, an Oscar Mayer hot dog vehicle. Slightly related story: I played softball in 7th grade and we played at Oscar Mayer Elementary School's field one day, where I hit the only home run of my life. It caught everyone, especially me, by a surprise, and I was tired as hell running around those bases.

Second hot dog sighting, a man in a hot dog suit. I have no idea why he was there like that, but if you're going to dress up as a hot dog, you might as well come to a ball game.

Final hot dog sighting: edible hot dogs! The man running the drinks at this stand jokingly refused to sell me a Coke because I had a Dodgers hat on. He asked if I was from L.A. and I said I'm from Chicago, so he was especially insulted. I wonder what he would think if I told him I was really a White Sox fan despite spending a large portion of my childhood/adolescence half a block away from Wrigley, having Ernie Banks' and Koyie Hill's autographs, and having gone to day care with Shawn Dunston's daughters? Sucker. A dollar is a dollar, mang.

So we went to this game because Mordecai's friend had an extra ticket. Mordecai bought another ticket in a nearby section so the three of us could go together. We sat together in one section in the second to last row, and no one bothered us or checked our tickets. So we shared this wonderful obstructed view of the game.

We had a non-obstructed view of the scoreboard. How informative it is! I understand it's old school or whatever, but I'd like to see the lineups when I'm sitting in another planet, unable to really see anything.

Matt Kemp! Thankfully, my camera has amazing zoom. After taking a picture from light years away, it adjusts things to make things a little crisp.

Last but not least, Casey Blake on deck! Or is that pre-on deck? he looks like he's gonna hurt somebody. I took this picture when I went to get my Coke on a lower level. I was trying to get a closer view for Jenni.

The Dodgers beat the Cubs that day. Bobby Scales hit a home run for the Cubs, but the Dodgers scored two runs in the first couple of innings. The two Randy pitchers were doing alright I guess, but I have to say I wasn't paying attention too much until Scales hit that home run and the Cubs put Koyie Hill in only to take him out and put Kosuke in instead. Anyhoo, it felt good to wear a Dodgers hat in Wrigleyville after the Cubs were defeated. Go Dodgerzzz!

Big Unit Hits 300

Randy Johnson got his 300th win against the Washington Natinals this afternoon. Please consult this ESPN photo gallery to see how much Johnson's hair hasn't changed in 20 years.

Although many people are saying that no other active pitcher will be capable of accomplishing this feat, ESPN's Jayson Stark claims otherwise. Sadly, the thing that most struck me about Stark's article is that I am the same age as C.C. Sabathia. Really? I feel so old and unaccomplished. I THOUGHT HE WAS, like, 40!!!!!!!!!

This is Mark Teixeira's Angry Face

Last night, after being hit twice by errant balls from Rangers pitcher and former clubhouse foe Vicente Padilla, an angry Mark Teixeira scored verbal retribution by telling Yankees beat reporters that Padilla is "unprofessional." Here are two photos of Teixeira's on-field reaction, courtesy of the Post and the Daily News:



I would say that Mark Teixeira lacks the ability to emote facially, but I've definitely seen him open his mouth REALLY WIDE when happy. So, I don't know. Maybe he's a new kind of humanoid that only transmits straight-laced positive vibes...a law-bot prototype designed by corporations to combat the free-wheeling, free-love mayhem inherent to the impending Age of Aquarius. I mean, what would YOU do if someone threw a blazing fastball at your ass?

But because I've already promised not to overly mock Teixiera on this blog (and honestly, I do love the guy), I'll end by admitting that many baseball players make strange faces. Here are two of the league's best closers celebrating narrow wins. First, we have Man Mountain attempting to jump for joy after preserving the Dodgers' amazing 8th inning comeback against the D'backs:

Both heels off the ground! I love Jonathan Broxton! Go Dodgers! And here's Jonathan Papelbon after getting himself out of a bases-loaded 0-outs situation against the Tigers in the 9th:

So scary, so gross. He needs to learn to CLOSE HIS MOUTH. I hate Jonathan Papelbon! Boo Red Sox!

15 Days of Grady-less Baseball

Major League Baseball and its television affiliates will experience a sharp drop in female viewership this week, as Grady Sizemore has gone on the 15-day DL* with a sore elbow. Here's a photo of Grady from Men's Vogue to help weather the drought (via):

Wow, he's cute. He should be on REAL television. Feel better, Grady! And please, upon your healthy return, see what you can do about a girl's Fantasy stats, eh? People make fun of me for having squandered my #1 draft pick on you, but I HAVE FAITH.

*That means Disabled List, Phil.

A New Top Ten

Almost four months have passed since I posted my Top Five on this blog. Because my knowledge of baseball players has expanded exponentially since then, I figured my original opinions were worth revisiting. And so, on this rainy Friday, I'm pleased to present my updated Top Ten (because, really, five isn't enough to hold all that love).

10. Jacoby Ellsbury (Red Sox)

He's fast and fleet, like a small magical deer. Also, since hearing that his nickname is "Tacoby Bellsbury," I've been thinking about him at least once every other day. Let this forever silence Boston fans who claim I'm biased against their team. Sorry guys, but Tacoby aside, the Red Sox are undeniably, hideously unattractive.

9. Ian Kinsler (Rangers)

I'm a supporter of many male archetypes and Kinsler is the ultimate fratboy manchild.

8. Clayton Kershaw (Dodgers)

It saddens me to say it, but a Clayton Kershaw has opened an unhappy chasm in the otherwise peaceful co-existence of Maddie and Jenni. House divided! Maddie thinks that Clayton looks like a horse...or worse, "a person wearing half of one of those two-part horse costumes." How can anyone hate so hard on a 21-year-old Texas boy who throws a 96 mph fastball for the best team in the National League? He does NOT look like a horse!

7. Torii Hunter (Angels)

He has a good personality and his eyes are sparkly.

6. Matt Kemp (Dodgers)

I don't know why I like Matt Kemp so much, because you can tell by the way he swaggers and pouts that his baseball attitude could use some improvement. Also, check out the perma-smirk in these mugshots from Joe. What a jerk! Love it.

5. Ichiro Suzuki (Mariners)

He is getting so weirdly mystical and cosmic. Ichiro will lead us through 2012 and into the thousand years of golden peace that await thereafter.

4. Casey Blake (Dodgers)

The Dodgers should hire me to be Casey Blake's publicist. He's so average and ordinary, but I think he's awesome and I talk about him all the time.

3. Derek Jeter (Yankees)

Life captain forever. Thank you, Derek Jeter.

2. Grady Sizemore (Indians)

I can't remember the first time I saw Grady Sizemore play baseball, so let's call this one a classic case of unrequited love and tenth sight. I am even okay with the fact that his favorite band is The Doors.

1. Robinson Cano (Yankees)

This is a stupid photo of him, but it's the best I could find in the Getty Image archive (I wanted something from last year, when he wasn't so fat). In the early days of my baseball fandom, I decided that Robbie Cano was my favorite player and it just seems wrong to change that now. So, through slumps and streaks and despite his obvious weight gain, Robbie's still #1. Go Yankees!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE (AND SO ARE YOU)!*

*

Update, Thursday 11:13pm. We are not number one anymore. But maybe tomorrow we will be again!

Heavy Breathing Best Batting Friends Forever

Since A-Rod's return, Mark Teixiera has been swinging a bat as hot as hellfire. If I were a diligent stats-keeper or a smart Googler, I'd prove it with numbers. As it stands, you're just going to have to trust me. Here's the power-hitting duo hanging out on Memorial Day.


Jesus Christ, A-Rod. Could you be any more frightening? I bet his inner monologue is just one long hiss of "MUSSSSST WINNNNs." Teixiera, on the other hand, always seems to be thinking, "Huh?" Looking at him makes me feel kind of uncomfortable...as if I can sense somewhere deep in the recesses of my rarely consulted moral core that I shouldn't make fun of him as much as I know I want to (i.e. tons). I will, however, make fun of him a little bit because, come on, HE IS WEIRD! Here's two fairly recent photos of him getting ready to bat. Is he dancing? Playing air guitar? You tell me.



Earlier this year, I wrote a post about Manny Ramirez and Mark Teixeira and Phil commented that Teixeira looked like he "breathed through his mouth." You may be on to something, Phil, because, like that one gas station in Grinnell, Teixeira's mouth is Almost Always Open. "HUH?"

And finally, because I have no qualms whatsoever about hating on A-Rod, here's one more photo of him looking absolutely ridiculous as he rounds the bases in Texas.

SO, SO EVIL! A-ROD IS EVIL. GO YANKEES. KEEP WINNING. Fellow Yankee fans, someday we'll all be in Hell and A-Rod will be our cruel king.

Whoah, Mustache!

PHOENIX - MAY 25: Relief pitcher Clay Zavada(notes) #35 of the Arizona Diamondbacks pitches against the San Diego Padres during the eighth inning of the major league baseball game at Chase Field on May 25, 2009 in Phoenix, Arizona. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Nick Swisher Meet and Greet

Have you seen Nick Swisher's funny new haircut? Well, if you're in New York and don't have other midday obligations, you can tomorrow...IN PERSON.

I'm going to tell him that my Fantasy team needs him to stop striking out. That aside, how can you not love a guy whose charity work involves selling SWISH & CHIPS?

UPDATE! 10:35pm

Well friends, here are photos of of me meeting Nick Swisher this afternoon. Third Base or Bust breaking into the real world....


I'll readily admit that I was more than a little starstruck, hence the low, unsteady quality of the camera-phone photos, but I'm happy to report that Nick Swisher is super nice! At the risk of sounding like an irredeemable dork, here is the conversation we had, verbatim:

Jenni: Hi Nick, I'm Jenni.
Nick: Hi!
Jenni: You're the star of our Fantasy league!
Nick: All right! [we high-five]
Jenni: Also, my friend in Chicago wanted me to tell you that she loves your hair.
Nick: Oh this? Really? Cool.
Jenni: Would you mind signing a card?
Nick: No problem. Nice to meet you.

So, Kei, Nick Swisher is aware of your existence, and yeah, I could've played it a bit cooler. Next time. After all, unlike some people, I'd never met a Major Leaguer before.

Anyway, walking back to the train, I tried to imagine the interaction from Nick Swisher's vantage point. I mean, the guy's not exactly killing it stats-wise, so it must have been at least somewhat surprising for him to hear that he was the STAR of an entire Fantasy league. He's been in an especially painful slump over the last two weeks, causing him to get benched and almost dropped from Ladies Love Us, but I'm glad I kept him on because a few hours later, HE HIT A HOME RUN AT HIS FIRST AT BAT!

SEE YA!

I high-fived that hand! My vibrations are so awesomely cosmic right now....

Anyway, the Yankees are on an 8-game winning streak and I couldn't be happier. Go Swisher! Go Yankees! I LOVE BASEBALL!

SERIOUSLY?!

It's 1:30am New York time and the Dodgers and Mets are still tied 2-2 in the 10th. Nice to know, though, that this game began with A.C. Slater's blessing. How is it that I've gotten so much older, yet he looks almost exactly the same?

Still, Matt Kemp needs to try and wrap it all up because I'm tired and want to go to sleep. MATTYWOOD. We believe.

Further to That Thought

Looking through my vast archive of Manny photos this morning, I rediscovered this one, which I had saved for a planned post on "Manny Holding Up Cardboard Signs." I didn't realize how simultaneously funny and sad it was then, but I do now, especially since Manny's mom probably is [sad face].